Гадать-не разгадать

Довольно часто запутвшись в отношениях человек приходит к другому и спрашивает (внимание!) про своего партнера третьего человека: "А что значит вот это его/ее поведение? А это значит, что он/она меня любит или как?" Это вот гадание такое. Точно так же, как на ромашке. Когда у человека нет информации, он либо фантазирует, либо гадает. И в поисках ответа на вопрос может перерыть кучу литературы, походить к гадалкам, бабкам и психологам, задавая один и тот же вопрос. Не то спрашивая и не того.

Во-первых, правильный адресат вопроса - уже решение части проблемы.

Во-вторых, "если он/она так себя ведет, значит ли это, что он меня любит или нет?" - это не ответ на вопрос про любит или не любит, это неправильная постановка вопроса. За этим лежит неосознанное "я хочу, чтобы он/она вел/а себя определенным образом, и если он/она так себя ведет, я расцениваю, что любит, если нет - то то ли лыжи не едут, то ли..." Любить - это не значит вести себя так, как хочет другой, не значит, удовлетворять все его желания. Это не любовь, это обслуживание. И вот это представление о любви берется из детского опыта, где на место любви ставится обычная забота родителей о ребенке, в силу того, что ребенок не рождается способным сам себя обслуживать. В результате происходит подмена понятий. Поэтому, чтобы получить ответ, нужно задавать правильный вопрос.

Но есть тут одна двойная загвоздка. Спрашивать третьего человека легче, чем спросить партнера, ведь тогда надо открываться, показывать свою заинтересованность, свои желания, свою уязвимость. И у того, которого спрашивают, тоже проблема: он не в курсе о том, что его мысли и его поведение никто не обязан понимать, если он их не озвучит. 
Все начинается с диалога.

гештальт-терапевт
Раздел: Кризис в отношениях
 

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